Now you see me, now you don't.

Fiduciary relationships

It has been mildly prosaic sitting through all these sessions about a little girl, with an older little version of herself relaying the facts of internal dissonance. After all, the court doesn’t care about your emotions and vendettas and broken hearts. It cares about the law and if it is respected and upheld. That might warrant the need for interpretation of the law or the basic application of it. We therefore turn to these very aspects as presented by the party in question, the writer of this blog. Hear then thus, her law governing fiduciary relations.* My ka own intro like in the olden times what!*

These in law are based on confidentiality and trust. They are a client-professional relationship, but with the solo plan I have been on since I joined campus, I am the client and I am as well the professional.

This mostly stems from the generic indecisive tendencies I usually veer into that cause an “on the fence” kind of situation. Take the example of the many times I have stared at the menus for eons trying to decide what shall fully satisfy and appease the palate. In the end, I settle with having “whatever the other guy is having.” While that other guy’s taste might completely suck, he chose to have it so there’s a humanly speaking probability that it is not all that bad.

My I’m-not-sure tendencies sometimes stem from indecision, and by that I don’t mean being spoiled for choice. I mean an inability from random absurd uncertainties. I mean I struggle to give into just anything or just everything.  However normal or whether it was because it was the way of life or, it was just people my age did, there is that skepticism or criticism that makes me indecisive and especially afraid of normalcy.

 Take identity for example. Concerning the university stage and social scene, and in light of the norms of campus like finally being a “grown up” with “a life” and “dreams” and always having a “good time,” all this can be broadly understood. I thus find myself doing pros and cons for very category. If I was this type of person, this would suck but the other thing would totally be awesome type of thing.The "who should I be" and "why should I be this person" questions.  I cant help but veer into the innominate. Should I bet the church girl? The cool girl? Or the cool-church girl? Aaahhh. I’ll just continue being the Christian? Yes, question mark.  

So to make it easier I just be by myself, for myself; not for the norms or the expectations or need for adventures. But not in a bambi-that-ka-lonely-girl type of way though. I just seems safer and easier, not to mention more convenient being who I have always been. I have found that I am most confused by the many voices around me. Introvert qualities from my mother, I guess if those things are genetic or hereditary or whatever.

The thing is it’s not always easy being by yourself, even when it is the right thing to do in some cases. Yet, I have learnt to believe in myself and not depend on others doing that for me. I have learnt that I do not have to share everything with someone for it to be appreciated or for me to be understood. Sometimes you understand yourself. 

I have learnt that the love of the Father is enough for me in those times I need to be by myself. I realize that He is who I should need alone more than anything. I have learnt to depend on Him more.

All you need sometimes is to stay home and organize some weekly themed projects of writing, have your guitar and song book, journal a bit, and read the novels that aren’t “mized” nanti Amazon says pay $12.99 and Aristoc wants 40bob.

Whenever I was the patient, I was the doctor that I needed in a way, coz I knew what I needed to do to get well. I only knew that most of the time because I was alone to see that and away from the clutter and clamor of” life” and “friends.” In that way I am the client that needs the therapy and the shrink that gives it. Only because, I know that my help does not come from the mountains, but from the maker and mover of those mountains.

The contention now is if that whole way of living is healthy. But I know so some greater extent it is in some situations. I know this because I do feel lonely sometimes, but that doesn’t last long. Sometimes I want to belong with a particular group, but that desire doesn’t last long either.

The need for clarity and sanctity lasts longer, until it is attained.

The word is the mirror I need and have now. Its teaching me who I am. It’s a little bit severe but all the best friends are. It tells the truth and doesn’t lie.

Being alone isn’t a bad thing. It’s a human thing. It is a good thing even sometimes.

So yeah.

On campus I will be with my backpack, ear phoned and alone running from class to class. That’s me.

You probably will see me less sometimes and then other times I will be in your faaaaaaacccceee studying its contours and all. But it will not be because in that moment I am veering into the innominate. It will be because at least amidst my consistent confusion, I know when I need to be alone.

It’s not good for man to be alone, but sometimes, it really is.