About the Chaotic Heart EP

Chaotic Heart<3

This is project is about a Chaotic Heart.

Mine.

Yours.

Sometimes I think about it and that’s about all I can muster in my very many thoughts.

I’m supposed to know what the words I’m singing are supposed to achieve in me who sings them and in those that listen to them. I’m supposed to know what the anthem I present is titled and concerns.

But sometimes I don’t.

When I do in everyday living, that certainty I have about is always questioned, destroyed, mocked or slowly being hacked at into disappearance. I sit down and question in search for that reason; why my faith and strength wane more and more each day with each pang of the felt chaos.

I look around myself to the lives of those that surround me and sometimes it feels like this war is mine and mine alone, and that is true. What we go through is ours to go through particularly and peculiarly.

But we all go through it, and that’s the point.

The point is that the human heart is chaotic.

If we all go through this chaos, then what is its relevance?

The mutinies and Tsunamis of red are very recent and everyday events in every inward city.

We wonder if we can ever accept the presence of struggle. Can we ever be ok with that process?

Even when we might know that it achieves our salvation, how do we count it all joy when faced with every trial? Yes, especially when we know what it achieves.

All we seem to know more is the chaos and where it takes place; in our hearts. That chaos is caused by our many decisions and choices. We indeed know what causes the pain. It is our nature. It is our weakness. It is other people with the same futile nature.

We feel a subjection to that situation of war and failure. It is almost like it cannot be helped. Strife will always find its way around and threaten the hope for peace.

This chaos constantly clashes with the Hope that someday things will be different.

I can see other people and how they have dealt with the war inside. Most of them have given up and are dying somehow; giving into the demands of the inward enemy to prevent bloodshed. They have decided to be fine with being slaves to the chaos and have convinced themselves that it is how life ought to be. All is fair in love and war after all; you must do what you must do to survive.

We have become complacently apathetic to the whole situation. We are fine with losing the war because it is too hard to fight he tides of rebellion in ourselves against that hope. We have failed and have convinced ourselves that inwardly the war must be lost. But hope you see, never disappoints. It is not put to shame. We forget that.

The chaos is chaotic of course. It is real and excruciating pain which is why I probably picked up the pen to write about it in the first place. But the chaos clashes with hope; the need for redemption and sanctification. The great need to “unbe” who I am and become as Christ is. I understand this.

I am open to believe a lot around me and in my head because it seems easier. I have done that sometimes and that has instead energized and helped chaos. But in everything you must find the truth.

For me even in the confusion and very chaos I talk about, my confidence remains in the fact that I shall be conformed to the perfect example. But you see, it is only through the chaos, not before it and not somehow after it magically disappears. It has to be after you have gone through it, and that process ends when I draw my final breath.

Most of the time, I give into the fear and intensity of the chaos and forget what it will achieve; what it achieves even. I lose all strength and desire to continue with seeing the point of it all: salvation. Somehow growing and becoming stronger because I live, as the chaos is so part of life.

The chaos is ugly and difficult.

It is to do with so much pain.

I’m just saying what you already know, and the message my heart is so burdened with. I’m on the road to figuring out how to deal with it all, just like you.

I’m still internalizing that bit and maybe this project, in sharing it with you will encourage you to something I could learn that you have learnt. Or maybe the whole process will open my eyes to something I will finally realize. For now, I know I’m just writing about the difficulty of a fiery sanctification in a time when it is hard to see the point.

But this I know; that if he promised pain it can’t be meaningless.

I know the presence of the chaos is the means to truly being free of it, and one day I will by His faithfulness alone after all, a beating heart is always light and heavy.