22

Be you again

When you are a child, from what you see and from what you are told; you will eventually grow up. That is what happens in life, you are born, you grow and then “grow up” and die.

For me as a five year old I remember having the very point of living for me as the dream and achievement of “growing up.”

I pictured all the multitudes of friends, family and well-wishers gathered and applauding as I stood and waved back at them. I envisioned myself in the splendor of grown-upness as the eloquent voice of reason, flipping my blonde hair and smiling with sparkly white grown up teeth, welcoming all the guests to the celebration of me growing up. Then I would say something grown up and the crowds would go wild! Yes! I would be the brilliant epitome of adulthood. The elders would long for their youth at the very sight of my grown up self. This I would achieve and nothing would get in my way.

I would pass every end of year exam because excellence meant the next class. In kindergarten one day I would reach top class and all those newly weaned children would look at me and long for that glory.

I would be the P.7 student that run the whole school.  The one who talked about all the things we had in our knowledge, like the difference between an obtuse and an acute angle in the presence of the young-uns. To ask a comrade of the same rank the simple question would suffice. Let the young ones remain in awe of these terms that attack their ears. Pull out your Social Studies MK while at it and discuss the failures of Kwame Nkrumah. That’s right you P. 5 pupil, I’m all grown up. *insert slow and legit gangsta nod*

Just to be like all those beautiful girls I saw and observed days on end on the TV and Billboards. To attain the noble skill of flipping my amazing hair that for some strange reason was always blonde when I imagined it; to even grow out my hair to blondness for that matter. Even the Disney princesses and characters were all grown up. That’s why they could be the chosen ones to defeat the bad guys and the ones marrying princes and all that awesome grown up stuff. Hec! Grownups even sang better.  Even the animations were grown up animations. When they made the Lion King, Kierra and Kovu had grown up voices.

The universe was telling me something; growing up was lit.

Because of all the things I could not do because I was “still too young” I longed to grow and see the world. I longed to grow and “live” in doing all these things I could not ordinarily do.

One day I was too young to go to school, and then I wasn’t. I was constantly, consistently and persistently told I was too young to wear makeup, and then I wasn’t. I was too young to have a boyfriend, and then I wasn’t. I was too young to get married, and now I’m not.*refer to the Laws of Uganda*

It’s like that cardiac arresting moment when you hear a real grown up say something absurd like, “I haven’t driven a manual car in twenty two years.”

All you can do in that moment is clutch that arrested heart and go “Bro!” As in, yes. Arguably and by a certain standard and perspective I am still but a sort of grown up child, but in these twenty two years of mine I can write books and books and books about each moment and experience because so much has happened in my tiny life span.

So how is my whole long and detailed and expansive life span something as short as something you haven’t done in my whole lifespan!! *clutches heart once again*

What I see now is I missed the point in a way most of us do. We tie the bench mark of success at each stage of life by certain achievements. Like finally using a pen and not a pencil, getting that degree, getting married, that first car, that awesome job and the ages are just the points in the timeline the achievements should occur.

Of, yesterday I ran into a friend from high school that is like practically my age because she is only two years older than me and she was like “I’m engaged!” The expression on my face unfortunately wasn’t congratulatory. I was in too much shock. The first thought was contacting police coz in my head we are still underage for marriage and what not. I really wasn’t ready!

Moses in Psalms 90 asks the Lord to teach him how to number his days aright, that he might gain a heart of wisdom. With all these thoughts in this my birthday week, a whole new meaning of “growing up” came to mind.

Firstly, I can say now to myself that I am terrified of growing up and I wish I was 5 years old again.

 Secondly, I realize that in the end you actually grow. It is not a myth. In three years I will be 25 and the probably start throwing “Forever 25” birthday parties also till the day I die.

Thirdly and weirdly, in my mind, the exception is parents. They never grow! It’s like my parents never grow. With all the years that have been added to my life (as if I’m 60) they still look the same as when I beheld them on the day I was born. I real remember that day and they look the same.*Banange, if only my mom read my blog so some benefit might come in the process from this props I am giving*

I have learnt that growing up isn’t an event. It is a process. What makes the milestones is what you went through to get there.

So many of us could not wait to get the hell out of high school, but I miss that place so much. I realize it is more because what mattered happened in between and in the midst of the moments I was wishing and couldn’t wait to get out.

Life is not an event. It isn’t just that job, that boyfriend, that thing that comes at the right time like perfect and “successful” clockwork of life’s timeline. It’s everything that builds up to the next event and the next one and the next one. That’s the danger in dreaming about a kind of life; you could forget the one that you are living.

I have learnt that living is more important than the event of “growing up.” Even when one day I will forever and everlastingly be 25, I should cherish and enjoy being 22 right now. Be where you are and love being where you are because somehow that’s where you are right now.

The wisdom is right there in those lessons at that time in that place. It is no wonder we have adults making childish decisions and the like. They really failed to grow up and mostly because they didn’t learn in the process of life and living.

Be “you” while you are still “you”, whatever and whoever “you” is. Don’t live in the future. Don’t live in the past. Be you and live as you are. Be you again and not all these demands from society and that voice in your head.

Life is dynamic. Move with it. Learn with it. Grow with it.

Don’t let it leave you behind.