Reliving the future

You spend days inside your head.

Like John Mayer, you keep on constructing and planning days that haven’t happened yet.

You are an architect like that. 

During that time in your head, you have random conversations about the so many possibilities, that one regret, the lost loves, current vendettas, the three fears that never leave, and your curiosity with renegades among many, many, many other things.

With a history of documenting thought, sometimes, that are especially before bed, you go through some of that documented history of thought. You pick up a novel you read five years ago and realize that now you empathize and relate more with the antagonist in the story, which wasn’t the case all those years ago.

That has what it means. Maybe you are evil person now. Maybe the evil has changed in definition. Maybe it is good now and no longer evil. The changing goal post in your head make your head hurt. You start rubbing your temples.

You play that mix tape or random CD and see that your taste in music is less and less dynamic with the passing of years. That also has its implications. You live and long for the past more than the future. The music you write every day is a hypocritical wannabe expression. You shake the thoughts out of your mind. In the process hurting yourself coz you shook it too hard.

 You stare at that 2014 journal and wish you could live in its pages; like just chilling on those white pages safe and sound within that scarlet jacket of cover, listening to tales of a Rapunzel like princess and a random Fitzherbert. Your heart momentarily hurts.

You pull a box out from under your bed with random cards, a watch, a necklace and a note. Your face is the sternest it has been all day. You see the walls go higher and higher with every consideration. Then you think about December and just switch off the light.

It is time to sleep now.

As you snuggle into bed with the light off and pull up the covers, your mind tells you in comprehensive assessment, that a lot of these things were anticipated in longings and desires and fears- especially fears.

 You bite your lip in wonder, let out a huge sigh and turn to face the wall. You notice the moonlight coming in through the window and causing the shimmer in the mirror.

The wind of the night blows through and ruffles the curtain. You pull up the covers over yourself. In about two minutes it is getting hot so you kick the covers off and lie on your back. You stare at the ceiling, but your mind is still going on and on and on about how you saw this coming, and could have avoided it and about how you are to be commended on this other thing and how you should watch out for that. It is the unavoidable pep talk.

You try to shut your eyes but the process in your mind is an active one. So you decide to indulge it, one more hour and it will be over.

It has been two since you got into bed.

 You think about how it all feels the same; the past, and the present, and the future that your mind forebodes. You wonder what happened to your mind. It used to be so hopeful. It then reminds you of the exact moments in life that each perspective was formulated and embedded deep within the subconscious, replacing old ideologies. For a split second you fear that your mind in protecting you will destroy you in the process.

Forty minutes have past. You sigh again and wish for sleep to forcefully take you. But you also know how the past weeks have been and you know it is going to be at least two more hours before your mind says all that it has to say. You remember the cough syrup on top of the fridge and wonder if it could be of any help. You realize opening doors at this hour might wake the whole house up and abandon the idea. So you give your mind the attention it is screaming for in your head. It is all you can do now.

It goes through some more items on the agenda and then you eventually start muttering inwardly statements of bewilderment, vexation and even crack a few jokes in the middle of everything. So you keep your mind company and give in to the reality of it all realizing with every night including that very one that time is no longer time. It is all these emotions and anticipations instead.

It isn’t hours and minutes and seconds. It is events and happenings. The past years living have turned linear time circular. It’s not a dejavu.

It’s the past in the present, and the present in the future. You have been in the future and it’s becoming like a memory. You are living it today and reliving it tomorrow in every emotion, feeling and happening.

You know it is sad and complicated.  But it is until you accept it as a part of you that you finally realize the snores are coming from you and not your brother in the other room.

Your mind is still going and on by the way, but you tell yourself it’s a dream now. So you dream of time- the past, the present and the future. To yourself you sing the Switchfoot lyrics … More than fine.

“When I wake in the morning, I want to blow into pieces. I want more than just ok, more than just ok. When I’m up with sunrise, I want more than just blue skies. I want more than just ok, more than just ok.”

                                                   More than just ok<3